Richard Madeley.Net

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I managed to find these after a bit of googling - the commentary is mostly from Jim Shelley's Mirror column.

"I REALLY love ducks - they've always got a smile on their face."

"YOU'RE just humming with sexual energy! Is it the fabric? Is it wearing tights?"

- Richard Madeley to transvestite artist Grayson Perry

"WILL the gentleman with 1 nipple please reveal it?"

- Richard Madeley (Richard & Judy) Jan 31st 2006

THE unique, bizarre vocal intonation, the long, bewildering thought processes none of us can follow... God knows what Stephen Hawking made of Richard Madeley.

Their meeting of minds was fun though.

"Asking what the universe was like before the big bang," Hawking admonished, "is like asking what is north of the North Pole. It is a meaningless question."

You bitch! Madeley remained in grown-up interviewer mode though.

When Hawking scientifically rubbished the concept of an afterlife, Madeley nodded sagely then turned to Judy and beaming, "I was hoping for a yes!"

Confirming that only he could be impressed by Jade's intelligence, Richard exclaims: "I've never met anyone who thought Sherlock Holmes invented the toilet." Later he tels her: "You're quite sharp. It's just that in the pure sense of the word, you're ignorant."

"That particular octopus committed suicide, didn't he? He stabbed himself with his own beak."

- Richard Madeley (The Richard & Judy Show)

"Next time you go for a country walk," he exclaimed excitedly, "give a cow a cuddle. It's the new cure for stress!" He confounded Sex Pistol John Lydon with the musing: "If I could throw a fishing rod into the corridors of time and reel you in, you'd throttle you, wouldn't you?" (Eh?)

Finally, he asked: "What do YOU make of the call to make a smack on your naughty child's botty a criminal offence? I'd got down for it. I ask this openly: should I have been arrested?"

(ultra-partridge) Richard Madeley reacting to a trick by mind reader Derren Brown exclaiming: "Can we have a wooden stake, some petroleum and a rope? Because we are burning you at the end of the show!"

During a "debate" about the Sarah Payne case, Richard asking, "Do you think it's time we took a radical approach to dealing with paedophiles, as opposed to fiddling with the edges?"

MADDEST moment of the week on Richard & Judy: When one of Westlife revealed he'd had laser surgery and Richard leapt to his feet and tried forcing open his eyes "looking for scars".

Make it stop.

Richard discussed Jo Brand's early career as a bell-ringer ("you know that really bad comedy moment, when the bell-ringer takes off into the air... is that really possible?") and, after some deliberation, polished off a plate of squirrel.

Alan Partridge-ism of the week came when, having watched a clip of a man struggling horribly with his stutter, Madeley turned to him and enthused: "You looked as if your head was going to come off!"

Then Richard interviewed Bernadette Hughes, who was abandoned by her mother as a child.

"You were found on the doorstep of a church," Madeley mused rather romantically. "Were you in a little basket?"

"No," she pointed out. "I was naked, with the umbilical cord and afterbirth still attached, wrapped in a pile of newspapers and left on the doorstep."

At the age of 20, Hughes traced her mother.

"You then got a letter," chipped in Judy, "It said: 'Blood isn't thicker than water. I didn't want you then and I don't want you now. I've got a family of my own and you're not it. Get lost.'"

Which, if nothing else, cleared that up.

After a sensibly sanitised debut, Richard Madeley returned to Alan Partridge mode for the rest of the week, even interrupting one viewer's call with immortal Partridge comment, "Thanks for the story. It's over !"

Alan-esque interview questions included (to Sophie Ellis Bextor): "Where did you get your face?" which he expanded on with, "It's Egyptian, almost cat-like. What's it like without make-up?"

His announcements included the promise that the next day's show would feature "the man who intends to amputate his own feet, on the internet!" and a warning about a gang of dog-knappers which inspired Judy to mutter, "They better not kidnap Geri Halliwell's dog. He's only a little shih-tzu."

"We've launched a snoring hotline," Madeley bellowed before having hysterics listening to excerpts of viewers' snoring. "Don't worry," he announced Partridgely, "We've got much funnier ones."

A young boy, who has what is officially the longest tongue in the country, revealed: "I used to stick it out and pick my nose with it."

After the groans died down, Madeley paused before conceding, "That is one HECK of a trick."

But the most pricelessly Partridge-esque moment of the week came when Madeley drifted off into an anecdote about the time he dreamt he was in the cupboard under the stairs - a story that concluded, triumphantly, "And I WAS in the cupboard under the stairs. Right at the back with the wellies!"

Steve Coogan couldn't have bettered it.

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JOHN Fashanu (on his phobia of snakes): "About once a week I've been waking up in the night and the bed's been absolutely saturated."

Richard Madeley: "With sweat?"

(Richard & Judy)


"WOMEN lie about sex. It doesn't matter how many partners she says she's had before you. She's lying."

- Richard Madeley (Richard & Judy)

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More from Jim Shelley's column.

11 December 2001
Richard & Judy

THIS week's highlights of the (increasingly bonkers) Richard & Judy:
# Richard telling the woman who missed out on £928,000 because she couldn't face the queue for the Lottery, "Maybe it was for the best."
# Richard's amazement that Judy knew how to pronounce Stolichnaya vodka (as in "two bottles of Stolichnaya, please").
# Richard's description of the You Say We Play competition as "like a parlour game - an old Edwardian parlour game."
# And finally, the Alan Partridge Moment Of The Week when Richard told Charlotte Church, "OK, imagine I'm someone from with a record company with a ponytail" and started shouting, "I OWN you, Church!"

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"When we first got together, one of the things me and Judy had in common was a passion for the correct use of the apostrophe" - Richard Madeley. (Richard & Judy)

CARING INTERVIEWER OF THE WEEK

"Your short-term memory really is shot! It must drive you nuts!!"

- Richard Madeley to George Martin, subject of Living Without Memory (Richard & Judy)

"IT'S funny. It doesn't work the other way round !"

- Richard Madeley on white wine improving red wine stains (Richard & Judy)


"YOU'VE lost some weight, haven't you? Why's that? You're not ill are you?!" -

Richard to Mark Williams (Richard & Judy)



RICHARD & Judy to Janet Street-Porter:

Richard: "Tell us why your mum was so ghastly."

Judy: "She was Welsh-speaking, wasn't she?"- (Richard & Judy)



JUDY: "Blimey, I nearly sat on my microphone - I dread to think where it would have gone."

RICHARD: "Oooh I can tell you Judy. There's only one of two options!"

(Richard & Judy)

[stalukdar]

This was repeated last night on E4, originally shown c. 2000 but updated with several new arseclenchingly awful moments.

http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/0-9/100_greatest_tvmoments_hell/

Surprisingly, most seemed to involve Richard Madeley in some form or another.

Madeley's journalistic prowess came to the fore when interviewing Shakin' Stevens in his extreme youth on early 80's regional programme Calendar goes Pop!. "You do 50's music don't you?" Began the intrepid pre-Judy presenter. Stevens insisted he was an 80's performer doing 80's music. He was so impressed by Madeley's journalistic probing that he proceeded to attack him for the rest of the interview in an attempt to wrestle him to the floor in front of the live audience and two of Status Quo.

The programme also featured more recent moments of note. This included an item in 2004 on Richard and Judy about the merits of piss drinking (or Urine Therapy as they opted to call it). This time Richard took the lead with Judy intermittently yelping in horror as 'Urine Therapist' Jim Crawford outlined the benefits of the yellow stuff sat in a glass on the table. "But its got germs!" Judy wailed, "No it hasn't" admonished piss doctor to the by now near-hysterical Judy as he proceeded to glug down a full glass of his own piss to a fascinated Madeley.

Judy: Oh My GOD

Richard: How would you describe the flavour?