Richard Madeley.Net

[Time Killing Kid]

MONDAY


BREEZING swiftly past the You Say, We Pay scandal, Richard and Judy move on to more pressing matters, namely Tamzin Outhwaite, star of West End comedy Boeing Boeing.

"I love farce!" says Richard, a man who, more than any other, embodies it.

They discuss Tamzin's recent marriage. "I couldn't be happier," she beams. "Is it your first marriage?" Richard demands.

There are early signs of Richard's growing obsession with Jonathan King. They show a clip of Tamzin appearing on King's show No Limits and Madeley grins: "There are so many places I can't go on that one!"

They play clips of the public saying nice things about Britney.

"We're going to put the clips on a DVD and send them to her," Richard trills - as if that's really going to help.

Richard mentions Britney's last appearance on the show recalling: "I thought, you're going to be fine, kid", proving once and for all that when Richard Madeley thinks you're "fine", you really are in trouble.

TUESDAY

STAR guest is "lovely Ashley Jensen", who RM - sounding increasingly like Alan Partridge - describes as "chinadoll pretty and unbelievably modest".

Next, Madeley tells Sean Lock his series 15 Storeys High is "really, really funny".

"How many episodes did you make?" he gushes. "Twelve."

"I've probably seen about... three," Madeley says cheerfully.

Judy chips in that, like Lock's character, Richard is always taking other people's anecdotes and then changing them.

"It's part of my cheeky charm!" he argues. "It's deeply irritating," Judy retorts.

WEDNESDAY

A READER has sent in a picture made of chips. "That's obviously us!" Richard points out happily, "Although you are bald, Judy."

He moves on to debating "the sick phenomenon of the size zero model - and, boy, is that sick! Models of malnutrition tottering up the catwalk and warping women's views of themselves!"

Former Dr Who Peter Davidson appears with his daughter, actress Georgia Moffett.

"Can you see the resemblance?" Richard asks Judy. "Yes. It's round there, isn't it?" he adds, pointing to his face where the resemblance usually is.

"Ahh, you're lovely!" he sighs to Georgia, a la Partridge.

They show a clip from Georgia's new show in which her character says of her husband: "I just wish he had a bigger d***."

"Did Georgia wish you had a bigger d***?" Madeley asks an astonished Davidson, seemingly forgetting there isn't really a correlation between a husband's d*** and a father's d***.

THURSDAY*

RICHARD announces that any money raised, post-scandal, from We Say You Must Pay will go to charity. How great Channel 4 is, eh?

Next, a man about to die of cancer discussing the wake he is having for himself. "Fantastic!" yells Madeley, rather missing the bigger picture.

"I remember an interview with Dennis Potter when he was dying," Richard interrupts earnestly. "And he said, 'The blossom outside my window has never been blossomier' or something like that." (Probably not that.)

Stumpy, the sweet little duckling born with four legs, appears.

"You can see that leg at the bottom there does look withered," says Judy.

"When Stumpy swims," asks Madeley, "will he go round in circles?"

FRIDAY

ON comes Elsa, the dognapped Staffordshire bull terrier returned thanks to Ricky Gervais's reward.

"The thing is, she'll say hello to anyone," explains the owner jovially.

"She's a little tart, isn't she!" cheers Madeley.

Sophie Ellis Bextor - "the quirky queen of the dancefloor" - appears with her son, um, Sonny.

"He's got a really new bruise," his mum apologises.

"Oh, you've been hitting him again, have you?" jokes Mad.

Sophie's new video is based on the classic Nicolas Roeg film, Don't Look Now.

"Have you seen it?" asks Madeley. Strangely enough, she has.

After some food testing of what RM calls "parmesan ham", R&J end the week road-testing "the world's most durable tent".

"Cue a mighty wind," cries Judy, looking at Richard. Diagnosis: still bonkers. Prognosis: terminal

Jim Shelley, Daily Mirror.

(*On Thursday's show R&J had a family on during a segment where kids are trying to get their parents to cut down the amount they eat and get fit. Richard asked the daughter if, due to her father's lack of fitness, he 'throws up at the side of the pitch' when he plays football. TKK)